Sunday, January 22, 2012

Winding Roads

 I feel like we're starting the roller coaster over again. It's like the 5 stages of grief played out in a continuous loop with occasional intermissions during the times they believe that you've changed.

We've all been through denial, "We don't care he's gone, it's happened too many times to even feel it anymore." " This time is different, he didn't even live here, we already left him." Then came Anger. " I Hate him for what he's done to us, I wish he was here right now so that I would scream in his face and let him know how much I really hate him." Next came bargaining, " I wish I could have just been able to say goodbye, I would have given anything for a goodbye." "Maybe if I went with him that night he wouldn't have done it." " I wish I had been nicer and told him I loved him more, I was still just so angry at him from last time. " And now we've hit depression with scattered moments of stages past. " I don't want to get out of bed today." "What's the point of being with friends, nothing makes me happy lately."

We had a family meeting today. The house is a disaster, no one will lift a finger to do anything. No clean cloths, no clean dishes, cupboards full of empty boxes. I've been very sick, I had to go in and receive IV fluids Friday night, I was so dehydrated. I can't keep them motivated when I'm giving it my all let alone from my bed. Everyone wants off the roller coaster. The good times don't hold a candle to the fallout and yet another round of grief. This can't continue I tell them, I promise to never let this happen again, just pull yourselves up one more time. Let's clean this place up, let's love ourselves.

Shem finally broke yesterday morning, he said that the overwhelming feeling of responsibility was crushing him. Emma is self medicating with food and sarcasm. Ella won't leave my side and Owen feels lost. I promise them that this time the ride is over for good. We're a family who knows love, love is what we do best. This too shall pass. I tell them that although our trails are crooked, winding, lonesome and dangerous, I know that they will lead to the most amazing view. I also know what crushing responsibility feels like.